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Secretary:
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Hello..,
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Churchill:
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Hello,
konn uloita?
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Secretary:
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Hello
there..,.., Am I speaking with Mr. Churchill Alemao?
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Churchill:
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Churchill
speaking!
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Secretary:
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Good
morning Mr. Churchill...
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Churchill:
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Morning?
It is evening 6pm, madam. Where are you talking from? What is your
home-town?
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Secretary:
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This
is the White House, Mr. Churchill.. can you hear me well?
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Churchill:
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Hmm..
I can hear you clear as a 'mike'; what do you want Miss White?
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Secretary:
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The
President of United States of America wishes to speak with you! Please hold
the line..!
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Churchill:
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President
of America? Obama!?!?.. Are you poking my leg?..
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Obama:
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Good
evening Mr. Churchill.
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Churchill:
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Saiba
bhogos..! ...I think my answers are ‘prayered’.. Hello sir, good evening..!!!
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Obama:
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I
bet you are overwhelmed to hear my voice..!!!
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Churchill:
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Can’t
believe my eyes,.. I mean my ears... Is it really you, sir?
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Obama:
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Barack
Obama – hale and hearty! Greetings from the U.S.A.
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Churchill:
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Avois!!..
Sir, in the past, I had calls from Amitabh Bachchan, Dawood Ibrahim, Sepp
Blatter, and even a miss call from Putin,.. Never before from a US ....
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Obama:
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Are
you sure that crook Vladimir called you..? The guy likes to boast about
Russian ‘nukes’ all the time.. He drives me up the wall, always....
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Churchill:
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So
you two talk over the phone, hmm?
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Obama:
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Yes,
ever since whistleblowers like Assange and Snowden surfaced and are at large,
we avoid communicating through emails.. It is ear-to-ear now. Do you have
whistleblowers in Goa?
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Churchill:
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You
mean referees? Plenty. They are the main cause of my team’s downfall..
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Obama:
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Oh I
see.
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Churchill:
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Still,
can’t believe it is you, sir. Let me ask something to be ninety-nine percent
sure.... Who rules the world, petrol prices, world currency and the Indian
rupee?
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Obama:
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We,
the U.S.A.. Nothing to crow about that..!
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Churchill:
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Who
killed Bin Laden?
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Obama:
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I
killed. We killed him – the U. S of America killed.
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Churchill:
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Who
bombed Iraq? And killed Saddam Hussein?
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Obama:
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The
U.S.A
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Churchill:
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Who
controls the East, West, left, right and centre, the Gulf...
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Obama:
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..Ofcourse
we --- the Americans.. It is we who do everything.. We control the sun and
the moon...and the rotation of the earth...!
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Churchill:
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Who
supports Pakistan against India?..
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Obama:
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...We
do! The U.S.A, we.. we.. we..
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Churchill:
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Well,
everyone knows that. It’s no ‘breaking news’... But sir, you never said that
on your recent visit to New Delhi..
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Obama:
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..No,
no, I retract the last one! That’s not us. India and the US have one enemy in
common..
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Churchill:
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Yes...Pakistan....!
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Obama:
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Terrorism.
It’s our pledge to wipe it off the planet..!.. Let me be clear -- our war on
terror continues...
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Churchill:
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Hmm..sir,
what makes you -- a super human on earth call a fish-pond ‘munis’ like me?
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Obama:
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Mr.
Churchill, you may not be as popular in politics outside Goa as much as your
football team. But our CIA has tabs to prove that you have links with top
spearheads across the world.
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Churchill:
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Links
with spare heads? Across the world? Perhaps you mean - underworld?
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Obama:
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While
we have access to everyone’s activities, our Intelligence is unable to trace
how you and others in your family are connected with great leaders.
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Churchill:
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Great
leaders?..
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Obama:
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I
said let me call Goa and dig it out from the horse’s mouth.
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Churchill:
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What
you exactly mean, sir? By the way, let me allow.. .. we have bulls and
buffaloes and sacred cows in Goa, plenty; not many horses though -- even in
the zoo.. ha ha..
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Obama:
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We
have our facts pretty straight..
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Churchill:
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Sir,
how do you go about investigating so many people, including us Goans?
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Obama:
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Well,
we are well organized on that front. We have the whole operation in just
three phases: One, monitoring e-mail accounts like Hotmail,
Yahoo, Gmail, etc. Two, digital patrolling of social networks like facebook
and twitter, viber and whatsapp, etc. And three, snooping through Search
Engines like ‘google’...
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Churchill:
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Hmm...
I heard something like that.... Sir, your influence to get 'google
translation' of Konkani on the net would be nice.. ..This has been my
dream ever since I shook the Parliament speaking in Konkani..
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Obama:
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...Let’s
talk turkey. You are probably named after British Prime Minister Winston
Churchill. Did your dad tell you what made him do that?
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Churchill:
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I
guess my father ‘likened’ the name as much as I like it. Everyone knows that
'a rose is a rose' according to Shakespeare, but any name other than
Churchill would not fit me, sir..
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Obama:
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Most
Goans, I am told, name the kids after their parents' initials. Your pop Braz
Alemao or mom Ezlinda never thought about that for their kids.? Why?
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Churchill:
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Sir,
as far I know, my father loved ‘history-book' heroes...
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Obama:
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Why
didn’t he name you Hitler or Mussolini?.. Hmm, tell me... We are sure some
connection with Winston Churchill must have...
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Churchill:
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..Sir,
‘tuka sangpachem mhunnlear’ I was not even born when Winston Churchill died.
Anyway, my parents are both ‘late’ to ask them now. If I check my father’s
old diaries, perhaps I can tell..
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Obama:
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Your
father’s memoirs, including an 'Estado da India' passport and 2 ration cards
used as diaries, are in our possession but the Pentagon is unable to decrypt
the chicken-scratch handwriting.. One place it is written in
Portuguese: ‘3 Dezembro 1952 – Meu filho mais velho Churchill. Goa é
sua. Compre que quiser!’
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Churchill:
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Sir,
the date coincides with the feast of Goa’s patron St. Francis Xavier. The
phrase lightly translated means, ‘My eldest son Churchill. Goa is yours. Buy
whatever you wish.!’.. Sir, those days, a little toy meant the whole of
Goa to most parents.. ..
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Obama:
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Hold
on.. Your mastery in Portuguese gives us a clue of some calculated motive
there..
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Churchill:
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‘Tuje
mainchi shenddi..’
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Obama:
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What?
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Churchill:
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That’s
a bit of my mastery in French...!
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Obama:
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Oh...Well,
it’s all Greek to me..
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Churchill:
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Ha
ha ha.. Sir, am sorry, it’s not Greek, that is 'amchi maim-bhas' Konkani...
Never mind, let’s get to the bottom of this grave first...
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Obama:
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....Your
next brother Roosevelt... ..
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Churchill:
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Yes,
like me, a sheep of the 'old flock'..
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Obama:
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He
was named after FDR.
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Churchill:
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Who
is FDR?
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Obama:
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US
President Franklin D. Roosevelt fondly known as FDR. There must be surely
some link there!
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Churchill:
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Sir,
other than watching WWF wrestling and Michael Jackson videos, I don’t think I
know anything of America, I don’t even watch Hollywood films other than James
Bond..
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Obama:
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James
Bond is English...
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Churchill:
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Not-Not-7....?
English? Good to know that..!!!. I’ve been telling this to my family -- all
US films cannot be English. I saw ‘Rambo’ seven times and couldn’t understand
a word. I was 100% sure, it was not English.. Was happy to see it again last
year with English subtitles.
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Obama:
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Your
English is quiet impeccable, Mr. Churchill.
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Churchill:
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Am
perfect when I speak with ‘English’ speaking people. Here in Goa, I have to
speak local-English -- because of the ‘mother-tongue’ fanatics, and the
‘frog-in-da-well’ ‘gaunti’ media. They embarrass everyone by not editing what
I say.. ..
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Obama:
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I
could see that in the ‘Spice Jet’ youtube text, looks like a
deliberate ‘conspiracy’ to murder your words; anyone with half a mind can
figure out what you mean though.. ..I must say you are much fluent compared
to even Sonia or Narendra.. ..
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Churchill:
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...Thanks
for the compliments, sir; you know, I used to be the captain’s main
translator when I worked on ‘ship’.
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Obama:
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Am
impressed..!
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Churchill:
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In
school, I was good in ‘max’ too..!
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Obama:
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You
mean Maths..! Yeah, my daughter Sasha tells me it is Goans who invented the
mathematical postfix notation ‘za’ as in, ‘two one za two; two two za four’.
I told her it is actually ‘two ones are two; two twos are four’...
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Churchill:
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Sir,
we also founded the English ‘izikoltu’ as in two-into-two izikoltu four..
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Obama:
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????.....
It is ‘is equal to’.. ..
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Churchill:
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Goans
also get the credit for inventing ‘yelomenopee’ in the middle of A-B-C.. ..
Sir, actually, English comes third after Hindi and Konkani,.. I don’t think
Americans speak more than one language.. even David was impressed..
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Obama:
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Who,
David Cameron? British PM?
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Churchill:
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David
Beckham. He showed lot of interest in playing for Churchill Brothers Football
team soon after his retirement..
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Obama:
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Hmm..
Soccer! Becks was super, I saw him play for the LA Galaxy here in the US..!
Did he play for your team?
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Churchill:
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We
had ‘tall’ discussions but nothing worked out. Perhaps he wanted to
‘propagand’ his own fame.. I didn’t agree his terms for a private jet and his
‘posh’ wife, kids and friends having helicopter tours all around -- from Old
Goa to Taj Mahal.
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Obama:
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Mr.
Churchill, travelling from Goa to Agra is far too extreme even for US-built
choppers..
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Churchill:
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Anywhichway..!!!
Hmm? Oh.. now I am beginning to think..!..It must be North Goa’s Taj hotel in
Sinquerim which David Beckham actually meant..
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Obama:
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Back
to the drawing board, we found 85% names of California Americans are
Alvernaz. That’s the name of one of your late brothers, right?.
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Churchill:
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Now,
what does that say? Any more controversy there, can be a nose-cut.. Alvernaz
was the apple of our family..
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Obama:
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While
we probe on your other late brother Ciabro, and politician bro Joaq, and
Valanka’s apparent love to read Bill Clinton’s biography ‘Mi Vida’, we are
pretty sure your dad was influenced to name your youngest brother Kennedy
after former President John F. Kennedy.
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Churchill:
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Sir,
perhaps you are barking at the wrong tree......! There are hundreds of
George, Ronald, Nixon and even Abraham and Lincoln in Goa; you can’t accuse
them to be wearing gloves with George Bush, Ronald Reagan or filmstar John
Abraham’s family for that matter.. ..
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Obama:
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That
is where our intel helps... but all our study on your family has left us
wishy-washy so far..
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Churchill:
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Sir,
don’t you think we would all be living in United States instead of living in
this ‘state’, if we had American Presidents as god-fathers.
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Obama:
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Mr.
Churchill, was your dad trying to impress the ‘world’? Or trying to
impress the Portuguese to drive out Indians so he could have Goa for
himself..? ‘Goa é sua’ – as he wrote in the diary... Ehh?
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Churchill:
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Hmm..
Again please?..
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Obama:
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We
have been connecting the dots. You see, you can’t hide elephants in
mouse-holes..! We cannot rule out your links with Jews either,..
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Churchill:
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I
may have been born at night but I was not born last night.. Sir, this
allegation is ‘sarkem’ nonsense..
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Obama:
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Your
other daughter Sharon is possibly named after former Israeli premier Ariel
Sharon. One of your nephews Warren has a name of America’s 29th President
Warren Harding, while your brother’s son in politics is named after the first
Russian in space – Yuri Gagarin..
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Churchill:
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????..
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Obama:
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That
shifts our eyes on your possible links with Russia as well.. and why not?
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Churchill:
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It
is just by fluke. If we had links with Russia, we would be floating in space
ourselves, perhaps living on planet 'March' by now.. Let’s break the pot,
sir; tell me, what made you personally call me?
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Obama:
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Salazar
and Portugal would not rule a peanut-sized Goa for 450 years – simply for
nothing.. The place isn’t even as big as USS Washington – our aircraft
carrier...
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Churchill:
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..Kitem?
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Obama:
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You
see, the Brits were fools to fight all life and gain nothing.. They ruled
Kuwait, Saudi and left those places after occupying for ages... Look there
now, with all the oil-reserves, those lands are richer than gold.. We want to
know Goa’s real wealth.. real treasure,..
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Churchill:
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Huh?
Goa’s wealth?
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Obama:
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I
won’t let a day late or a dollar short to know that... What lies underneath
there in Goa?
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Churchill:
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‘Mati..!!!’..
Half the wealth was robbed by Portugal, the other half looted by politics.
Sand is all that is left for Goans now, that’s why we are keen in ‘mining’.
Else, we rely much on the centre, tourism and da Goan-made foreign liquor..
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Obama:
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Still,
I gotta know. What is Goa’s potential resource for the next 100 years! Mitch,
my wife, won’t mind your next of kin named Obama if we can have our base in
Goa.. Let’s socialize on this point Mr. Churchill..!
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Churchill:
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Sir,
you can have your base at Mopa.. and stay there as long as you want.. Should
they close down Dabolim, anchor one of your war-ships at Colva or Benaulim
beach, we can use that as a short-cut airport for South Goans.
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Obama:
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Goshhh..!.
Our interest is of no interest to the world if it is not Oil...
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Churchill:
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Oil..?
Goa’s export of iron-ores, cashew-nuts and pork sausage are well known, but
oil..? Sir, even the co-operative ‘societies’ here are in short-shortage..
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Obama:
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Oh
yeah, we have our radars directed on the north and southern belts – Morjim
and Cavelossim to be precise.
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Churchill:
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Why..!
Why..
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Obama:
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The
satellites are beamed on Russian camps there, while we also see the Germans
flying in every weekend by chartered flights and staying at Leela and other
hotels. Well, Goa is not as sparkling as Barbados or Hawaii to be a haven for
tourists.. Yet.. ..
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Churchill:
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Sir,
the hippie population has been invading Goa since the seventies, the Russians
are perhaps hooked late, now.. For that matter everyone wants to be in Goa..
What about the ‘groundnut’ Nigerians.. ? I guess all of them come here --
just to kick the gong & 'sniff' the dung.... .
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Obama:
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Whatever!
Please tell me Mr. Churchill, where does Goa stand on the world map?
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Churchill:
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Sir,
I can’t tell you the exact location but if you google-earth, -- bang -- you
will find it south-side of Mumbai.
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Obama:
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No,
Mr. Churchill. I mean, tell us about the disputes between Goa and India?
Where does that stand?
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Churchill:
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My
father was a corporal in Portuguese army. He told me Goa was invaded by India
in 1961. Many of the old folks still think Goa was better off in the hands of
Portuguese; they say it would be great if we were free again – from the
Indian democracy..
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Obama:
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This
is something what we have been grinding... Otherwise we are not privy about
what belongs to others except that what attracts us..
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Churchill:
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..But
then Sir, if Goa becomes free and ‘separad’ now, am afraid we will neither be
Goans nor Indians.
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Obama:
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We,
the United States take care of all disputed lands across the world.. We could
help you transform Goa into a reality of Italy's Roma city from the dreamland
of merely calling it 'Rome-of-the-East'.. It will be our pleasure to
serve the former Portuguese colony...
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Churchill:
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Sir,
looks like ‘you want to bake the cake and eat it too’. We think only Goans
have the right for Goa.. Give us 10 more years, maybe we will come back
as Portuguese and drive out the BJP and Congress, and clean up Goa.. We will
take care of ourselves..
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Obama:
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Hmm?
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Churchill:
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Disputes
aside, I remain the undisputed prince of all Goans who love me...
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Obama:
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See,
in my line of work I keep repeating things over and over and over again for
the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda secretly. The ball’s
in your court. Be my guest at Washington DC whenever you fly by, let’s kick
up the heels. Have you been to US lately?
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Churchill:
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I
have been there two-two times, sir.
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Obama:
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You
mean twice. Well, visit again.
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Churchill:
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Sir,
sometimes there is no time only, and other times no ideas only come for the
purpose of visit, you know na how it is..
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Obama:
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It’s
a pleasure talking...
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Churchill:
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Sir,
the pleasure is all mine..
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Obama:
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Alright
Mr. Churchill. Keep your jets cool.., catch up later, got a press brief in 2
minutes. See me ‘live’ on CNN.
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Churchill:
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Thank
you sir, you can find me ‘live’ - on Skype -- big time twenty-four seven..
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Obama:
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Bye
now.
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Churchill:
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Bye-bye,
Tata...
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Obama:
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God
bless America, and all it’s people!
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Churchill:
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God bless Goans, and nobody else..!
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