Humor by Gasper Crasto...24 May 2018
This story is nothing but a spoof.
Indian Premier League - IPL Twenty20 Cricket has become the biggest sporting jamboree in India today.
Everyone wants to get into the game that includes our undisputed Goan politician and supremo Shri Churchill Alemao -- a man for all seasons and reasons..!
Reporter: Hello Mr. Churchill, heard you are bidding for IPL Franchise next season... if it goes 10 teams.
Churchill: Kirket?
Reporter: Yes, cricket.
Churchill: That’s one reason am supporting the government. I was promised some ‘skates’ if we have our own franchise.
Reporter: You mean stakes.
Churchill: Whatever. IPL is the ‘happening’ man, but Goa is still in ‘back seat’... Boss, there is more money in IPL than money growing on trees.
Reporter: Well, grab the cake; it can bring some revenue for the state... Besides, FC Goa, our football team, is not giving us enough limelight and glamor that IPL cricket provides, globally.
Churchill: For Churchill Brothers it is even worse; we are hardly noticed in football nowadays. Am seriously thinking of ‘banning’ the team...
Reporter: How can you ban your own team? You mean disbanding?.. That would be a jolt.
Churchill: ‘Kirket’ has become the jackpot. Sponsorship deals, broadcasting rights, ticket sales, merchandizing and ‘pant-shirt’ apparel partners.. We too want to be among the ‘crows’..
Reporter: You mean ‘crores’, don't you?... Ha ha ha..
Churchill: No, I mean crows; I know the difference between crows and sparrows, am not so ‘dump’. For most Goans, crores are crows now; it’s a ‘figur’ of speech. .. ha ha
Reporter: Crows? Huh! ..Anyway, IPL would be great for Goa to be on the National Plan,.. better than being on the unwanted Regional Plan.
Churchill: We will be there next season. I promise ‘acche din’ for all crazy Goans..., I mean ‘kirket’ crazy Goans.
Reporter: That’s some news. Or is it another ‘bouncer’..!
Churchill: Fazer boca de siri..
Reporter: What it means..?
Churchill: All you reporters ‘make crab mouth’... Why? Just listen man. The team name I proposed is United Goan Brothers – U.G.B, on the lines of RCB Bangalore. How does it sound?
Reporter: What’s the logic behind?
Churchill: Remembering our Opinion Poll father Dr. Jack Sequiera and his United Goans Party, and ofcourse the brand name - Churchill Brothers. .. United Goan Brra.. ..
Reporter: UGB?.. It’s a rubbish name..
Churchill: Hey, you no say that..!
Reporter: Team name should be catchy like other franchises, and non-political ofcourse.. or else BCCI will suspend you even before you try to bid.
Churchill: You know the Orange and Purple caps, we will propose Yellow and Red cards, just like football. That will bring more fun. Don't tell anyone, that’s my idea...
Reporter: What else would you change in IPL given a chance, Mr. Churchill?
Churchill: ‘Pavnni’ of players. It is too ‘maach’ yaar. From next IPL, no ‘action’..
Reporter: Sir, ‘auction’..
Churchill: Yes, 'action'..!!!.. I guarantee equal salary cap for everyone -- including the coach, cheer girls, and ‘captain of the boat’. I can ‘drink poison’ on this guarantee...
Reporter: Haha...Tell me Mr. Churchill, how much do you really understand 20-20 Cricket?
Churchill: Tem kaim nhu..! Two teams, one 'out' of the field, one 'in'. Each ‘batman’ who is 'out' goes 'in', and when he's 'out', the next ‘batman’ goes 'in' until he's 'out'... When they are all 'out', or the ‘overs are over’, the side that was 'out' goes 'in', and the side that was 'in' comes 'out', and tries to get those coming 'in', 'out'. Then there are the 2 referees....
Reporter: Avois !!! Okay, okay... understood. ..
Churchill: Patrao, you can ask me anything. I may not have played ‘kirket’ but I can clean hit you for ‘sovko’. I know all terms like Doosra, Tisreo, Google and Cinnamon.
Reporter: Googly and Chinaman. What are Tisreo? Perhaps you mean....
Churchill: You haven’t been to Betul anytime? Tisreo man, tisreo...
Reporter: Tisreo…, sea clams? .. What’s the connection?..
Churchill: ...What’s the connection with China for Chinaman, they never play ‘kirket’?.. Anyway, forget that... Am sure Goa will be a perfect ‘ghost’ in IPL.
Reporter: Host
Churchill: Tench tem! Babush, don’t ‘eat my head’ pointing out silly mistakes like that. You can edit that in your report, can’t you?
Reporter: Okay, will do that.
Churchill: I won’t say the papers are bad, but I wonder where we Christians would be if some of today's 'yellow journalism' reporters like you had been Mathew, Marcus, Lucas and John.
Reporter: .. Sir, back on the subject, every franchise has it’s own identity, Goa should have theirs – a true identity associating Goans.
Churchill: Well, Hyderabad SUNrisers -- associated with Sun TV network; Royal Challengers were associated with Mallya's Royal Challenge alcohol brand, and Chennai Super Kings with the Coromandel Super King cement. I see nothing wrong Goa associating with Churchill Brothers.
Reporter: Sir, why do you think these corporate houses associate with cricket?
Churchill: Sarko F.I.L naal mure tum! It is for advertisement and brand. Well, I can get the ads, plenty; I know where the pigs are buried. And I have contacts with the ‘underground world’ and betting dons; no ‘rock’ science for me. I can fix..
Reporter: Hey, Mr. Churchill, match-fixing is against the rules.
Churchill: Screw the rules. Once we have the team, first year itself I will bid for the Trophy.. It is all fixed man. Right now what we want is a 'jan'not' team name.
Reporter: Sunrisers... the name is so funny. Why not just ‘Suns’. And why is the ‘sun rising’ when the games are played at night after sunset?
Churchill: I have no ‘informasao’ on that,... Am a fan of Vijay Mallya. When he bought the franchise, I told him to change Bangalore team name.
Reporter: RCB has a nice ring to it..! The chants in the stadium during a match are pretty cool.
Churchill: Arhe baba, tum kitem zannam? That name is jinxed man, they shouldn't have challengers in the name. They end up as challengers only, never winning.
Reporter: Given Mr. Mallya’s scandalous image, I guess Bangalore Bandits would have been a perfect name..
Churchill: Where is the brand in that. What will you associate Bandits with? 'Cha, kitem uloita'?
Reporter: That case, what is Mumbai Indian associated with? It sounds more like a passport application.
Churchill: It's the stupidity of owners..! But don’t quote me, I don’t want any ‘conspiracy’ with Adani.
Reporter: Why Adani? Mumbai is owned by the Ambanis.
Churchill: Bhavoo, you seem to know nothing outside the frog's well; yaar, all these biggies are connected..!!!’
Reporter: ...I like Chennai Super Kings, a king but super. I heard Tamil Nadu had some great Kings in the past, hence the name.
Churchill: Who told you that? Don’t believe in history ‘cheddea’..!. Goa is known for Catholic saints, 'Firngi munis' and Hindu gods. But it would be foolish to name our team ‘Goan Super Saints’, or ‘Goan Giants’, or ‘Goan Gods’..
Reporter: Some of the names are just way too similar. ROYAL Challenger Bangalore vs Rajasthan ROYALS, Chennai Super KINGS vs KINGS XI Punjab. It is all confusing.
Churchill: Kings XI is a ‘pochek’ name, I told this to ‘Preety’ Zinta. She says Punjab has a history of being ruled by great Kings and the lifestyle of Punjabis is no less than kings.
Reporter: It sounds like a ‘computer generated’ name. We don’t want such name for our team.
Churchill: Well, I don’t mind any name as long as it ‘generates’ enough money..!
Reporter: Kolkota Knight Riders is actually pretty cool, but why couldn’t they just be Kolkata Knights? Who is ‘riding’ the knight?
Churchill: You seem to have tomatoes on your eyes. Who’s riding the Knight? Shah Rukh Khan, who else?.. He is worth 10 teams... and just like me, brings value to the game.
Reporter: Hmmm.. Out of all teams, I think Delhi’s name is the most lousy.
Churchill: Daredevil is daring, and cunning like a devil or some stuff like that. Rahul calls himself that every time I meet him -- ‘am a daredevil’.
Reporter: Rahul Gandhi? No wonder, it sounds more like a ‘comic book’ character.
Churchill: What do you say about Rajasthan?
Reporter: Rajasthan was a cluster of too many kingdoms. Also, the state has many people who can trace their ancestry back to royal families.
Churchill: Modi gave me another story.
Reporter: How come? I never heard him talk about cricket in his ‘mann ki baat’
Churchill: Am talking about Lalit Modi who actually stole the IPL idea from our All-Goa tie-breaker tournaments.
Reporter: Hmm? That’s some news! Lalit was a great ambassador of the game. Who is your brand ambassador?
Churchill: Most IPL teams have Bollywood celebrities and ex-kirketers, we intend to pull one of our ‘famad tiatrists’.
Reporter: Arhe va, who do you have in mind?
Churchill: Francis de Tuem. That’s the only way to put a sock in his mouth and keep him away from criticizing us.
Reporter: Why not Lorna or Remo Fernandez? Aren’t they more popular?
Churchill: ‘Sodeak’ it’s the team name that is more important at the moment.
Reporter: Hope they don’t offer you a name like ‘Goan Gaurs’
Churchill: Cha... ‘Piso zala?’ We want a name which itself will scare the opponents; not Gaurs as they call us in football. It sounds like ‘dukors’ and ‘for sure’ we are not junglee buffaloes as they make us look. Can’t understand the logo logic, it was okay for ‘dhirio’.
Reporter: Huh..
Churchill: We want to close the deal quickly-quickly. You may suggest some names if you wish -- fast; we may not use it but nevertheless we are open for ideas.
Reporter: Why don’t we have the social media decide the best name for Goa’s cricket team – a name that should set fire to rain....
Churchill: You tell me what you have in mind, don’t keep biting my ear...
Reporter: Susegad Goans!!! Howzatt..!
Churchill: I want a more ‘pezad’ and super unique name -- like Chaarchill....
Reporter: Oh, give me some time. I will think... For the while, let’s... K i r k e t..!!!
Churchill: 😕????
:::The story above is a satire or parody; it is entirely fictitious:::