Humor by Gasper Crasto...01.11.2017
FIFA strictly separates sports from politics. As such, this
transcript, between our much admired Prime Minister Shri Narendra Modi and
the FIFA President, is nothing but a spoof.
Before you read the dialogue, you are advised to update yourself on the FIFA U-17 World Cup 2017 staged in India.
Before you read the dialogue, you are advised to update yourself on the FIFA U-17 World Cup 2017 staged in India.
PM Modi :
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Namaskar Mr.
Inferno...😏
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FIFA President :
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The name is Infantino.
Gianni Infantino, not Inferno Mr. Modi. You may call me Gianni though.
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PM Modi :
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Johnny? Chill la.
Congratulations on the big success of FIFA U-17 World Cup in India.
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FIFA President :
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You were a wonderful
host..
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PM Modi :
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Sab apne bhaiyo-behno
ka kamal... We aim the Olympics now and perhaps the stars next.
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FIFA President :
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Sure, why not.
Honestly I have to say I was quite impressed.
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PM Modi :
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Did you notice the
publicity ‘prachar’ and commercial gain FIFA and football achieved with the event?
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FIFA President :
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It doesn’t surprise
me.. ..football is popular all over the world. I was a bit disappointed with
India’s poor performance though.
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PM Modi :
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We were disappointed too but
that’s football as you all say. No one can beat us in cricket ofcourse, not
even England or Brazil.
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FIFA President :
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Brazil? Cricket?
Huh... Well, we expected India to fare better being the host country.
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PM Modi :
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Look Johnny, you
should have fair rules for ‘everyone’ to fare better in any field..
Infact, for the ‘vikas’ of football and satisfaction of our ‘desh
vasiyon’, you should have some new set of rules by next World Cup.
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FIFA President :
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Like what...
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PM Modi :
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First. Have 3 halves
of 30 minutes each. 30+30+30 instead of 45+45, it equals 90 minutes anywhichway. The breaks help our Indian TV channels commercially,...
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FIFA President :
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We had water breaks
for most matches...
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PM Modi :
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That was not enough. A
10-minute commercial break every half hour could have earned our channels
more money than the entire gate collection of the World Cup.
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FIFA President :
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Alright, let me put it
to FIFA Stakeholders Committee next meet...
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PM Modi :
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So now you know how
much money we can generate through viewership alone. Football is growing to
be our highest grossing reality show after Kaun Banega Crorepati and IPL.
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FIFA President :
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Yes..
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PM Modi :
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So dude, who are you
going to marry? Am not telling you a story..
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FIFA President :
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Hey, that’s not funny
Mr. Modi..! And don’t call me dude!
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PM Modi :
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Ha ha. Just kidding la
bigfoot.
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FIFA President :
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What did you call me
again?
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PM Modi :
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Haha. Nothing,
nothing. FIFA can double their ‘dhan-dowlat sampati’ if you include us at
Qatar 2022. I heard you are increasing the draw to 48 teams. Add 2 more and
make it a round figure. India & China should be in there by default.
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FIFA President :
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Hey, you need to
qualify...
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PM Modi :
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Really? You seem to
act older than Sepp Blatter’s grandmother. You play football with
your ‘foots’; hope you are not thinking with your feet as well.
..Okay, put us against Pakistan instead of the Arabs, Koreans or Auzies, and see whether we qualify or not.
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FIFA President :
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What do you exactly mean Mr. Modi?
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PM Modi :
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Listen ‘taklea’. India
& China are half the world’s population. We need to be represented at
the World. Who do you think will watch your games if India-China ban
broadcasting rights for the region?
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FIFA President :
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Take it easy Mr. PM.
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PM Modi :
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...Half the world will
be in dark if we switch off our satellites in the sky, and you know very well
that more than half the sats up there are ours. You must give us 2 berths –
one for India, one for..
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FIFA
President :
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Ha ha. FIFA doesn’t
have reservations like the Indian railways and the way you have it for SC/ST
and OBCs.
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PM Modi :
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‘Dhyaan rakh mere bhai,’ we will start our own…
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FIFA President :
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..World Cup? Ha ha ha
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PM Modi :
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World War.. ha ha,
kidding la Johnny. Chill. We can start a World Football League on the lines
of Chinese League and our own IPL and Indian Super League.
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FIFA President :
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????
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PM Modi :
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'Yeh kuch bhi
nahin’ - it's like eating ‘vada-pav’. Snap of my fingers and the
Ambanis will buy Ronaldo like this, Mittal can rope Messi, and the Birlas and
Adanis can go after Neymar and other ‘chillaars’..
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FIFA President :
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Respect FIFA Mr. Modi,
we will never allow that to happen -- without corruption or bribery....
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PM Modi :
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..Hello ‘mitr’,
friendship is friendship and ‘bizness is bizness’, ‘kala dhan’ is not on
our radar at the moment. And aren’t we supposed to show good example to
the world?
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FIFA President :
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Yes please. Going
forward, what do you want changed in football?
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PM Modi :
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'Man ki baat bole tho' -- the handball rule.
Honestly, nobody understands that in India. Even our football-crazy Goan
‘dost’ Churchill Brothers is confused -- ‘it's ball-to-hand’, ‘it's not
deliberate’,.. Come-on FIFA, make it digital-friendly like Microsoft and
Android.
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FIFA President :
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If a player handles
the ball deliberately it’s a handball while ‘distance between the opponent
and ball’ is taken into consideration as well.
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PM Modi :
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If you want another
FIFA event to happen in India, make this rule solid as our EVM Voting
Machines which cannot be misinterpreted by any party other than us. Ball
touching the arm should be a handball irrespective of any consideration or
deliberation.
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FIFA President :
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Okay. Noted. Next.😍
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PM Modi :
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Players getting booked
for taking their shirt off...
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FIFA President :
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What about it?
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PM Modi :
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Taking shirts off is
unethical in India with the exception of our filmstar Salman Khan. Players
who take off the shirts should be sentenced with a red hot stick on their
backs; nobody dare break the rules again.
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FIFA President :
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Yes, I guess red cards
will stop the menace. I had a similar complaint from the Saudi Prince, infact
he demands players be allowed to wear ‘dishdasha’ over their jersey every
time they score a goal at World Cups – just to exhibit their traditional
clothing to the world.
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PM Modi :
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We don’t have any such
demands. And yes, we shall ensure our 'khiladi' carry their own football
shoes unlike the 1950 World Cup. You won’t have reasons to throw us out for
being barefoot or whatever.
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FIFA President :
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Ha ha.. Football has
changed so much over the years.
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PM Modi :
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Not really. There
should be no offside rules.
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FIFA President :
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What???😠
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PM Modi :
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Yaar, the game would
be more attractive and ‘shandhar’ without offsides. Teams will have more
chances to score goals. That's what people want to see, isn’t it? More goals
– like how we have more runs in cricket.
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FIFA President :
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Spot on Mr. Modi.
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PM Modi :
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Give 3 points for wins
and 0 for a loss, 1 for a goalless draw but make it 2 points for a ‘scoring’
draw. Goalless draws are boring, but it shouldn’t matter if teams draw 8-8,
12-12... More goals the merrier, 20-20 style.
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FIFA President :
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Another good take. I
admire your thoughts, when do you get time to think all this in your busy
life?
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PM Modi :
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‘Bahut hai mere beje
mein’.. I just don’t get the right people to share my brain.. Last time I was
in Germany, Angela Merkel didn’t know they, Germany were the reigning World leaders.
She thought it was long ago during Hitler’s time.
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FIFA President :
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Hmm..😒!!??
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PM Modi :
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Other day, Comrade
Trumputin called to congratulate me on the grand finals at Kolkata. He was
inviting us for a ‘soccer’ friendly in US; I told him if it was football I
would send our team tomorrow. We don’t play soccer-bocker here.
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FIFA President :
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Somebody box me !!! Alright, alright, please tell me your next change.
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PM Modi :
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Scrap the penalty
shootouts and replace them with short penalty corners – like how we have in
hockey.
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FIFA President :
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We are thinking hard
on that – a head-to-head duel between keeper and single attacker. The
attacker will dribble from 25 metres out and try to put the ball past the goalkeeper
in 10 seconds, 5 attempts per side.
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PM Modi :
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Whatever, but make it
a LAW.
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FIFA President :
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Senhor Modi, we try to
set up the rules as per FIFA, not any Sharia law.
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PM Modi :
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If a team is winning
2-0, the losing team must sub out their goalie.
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FIFA President :
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Why? Tell me, tell
me... this is interesting.
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PM Modi :
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In India, we never
blame one single individual for mistakes. Look at us, if I do
something silly, our whole government gets blamed. We, in turn blame the
opposition. The opposition blames the nation. Ultimately no
one gets blamed. That’s the trick.
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FIFA President :
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But football is a team
game.
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PM Modi :
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And when did I say it
is sumo-wrestling. Politics is a team game too except in India
people think it is a one man show and the PM gets blamed for anything and everything... Anyway, ‘demonetize’ your thoughts Mr. Johnny,
bring a change to the sport..!
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FIFA President :
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Ummm..it’s not Johnny.
Gianni Inferno err Infantino.
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PM Modi :
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‘Johnny’ or ‘Gianni’,
for today’s hi-tech football, you are da ‘money’. And when money talks,
nobody cares what name you use. I personally know you -- only as F.I.F.A, and for
the life of me, don’t ask me to explain its full form now 😏.
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